As a writer, my brain is always going and coming up with ideas. Some should never see the light of day and others turn into stories. One of the interesting things to me is when I ‘think’ I know exactly where a story is going to go – sometimes even completely outline it – and then I get into the story and the characters begin to drive the car. I thought I was in control, but it was all a ruse.
Control has always been a huge issue for me in my life. I hate being out of control. I don’t enjoy rides where I feel I have no control (including water slides) and when going on a road trip: I prefer to be behind the wheel.
I’ve often wondered where it all came from. Recently on a trip to Sedona I really tried to get to the root of the issue as I used those spiritual surroundings to guide me. But even knowing it and allowing myself to stop it are two completely different things.
It’s sort of like when asked that old question “what do you feel has been your biggest accomplishment?”
It stops me cold. I don’t want to think I’ve achieved it yet. I’m only in my early 40s. There is still much life to lead. Should I have seen my largest accomplishment? I left home at 18 and moved to NYC to be an actor. I had a fairly decent career before switching gears into that of corporate America where I climbed the management ladder. And then I completely shifted again and went back into the creative arts. This time managing an arts center and concentrating on my writing
Friends and family are quick to point out all I’ve accomplished, but like a character in my books – each of those moments did not grow out of the previous – it was a twist or a turn that took me to a completely different place. If one were to analyze that for a moment, they would probably deduct that I was not in control for any of it. Control allows us to believe we are viewing the options and making a decision. Though sometimes, it’s the decisions we make that cause the most agita. Actually doing it isn’t so hard, it’s convincing ourselves that we’re making the best possible choice for that particular moment in our lives.
Maybe I can keep convincing myself I’m in the driver seat and making choices. I love trying something new; the research involved, the initial fear following by glow of achievement. But I still don’t want to answer what has been my ‘biggest’ accomplishment. I want to believe it’s still waiting.
And as long as I don’t answer…I can still control that situation.
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