Written by Guy Magar – From his memoir KISS ME QUICK BEFORE I SHOOT: A Filmmaker’s Journey into the Lights of Hollywood and True Love
One morning, during Jacqui’s chemo treatment for aml-leukemia, she had been taken for X-rays early before I arrived for my 10-hour daily visit. When I got to her room, the nurse told me to wait and they would bring her back within an hour. An hour? I asked where the imaging department was and she told me it was complicated to go there as it was in another building down the street. Jacqui had been taken through a connecting underground tunnel, not accessible to the public. She advised, “Please be practical, wait here. She’ll be back shortly.”
I lasted three minutes. I’m not an alarmist or a worrywart. I just found it unnecessary for Jacqui to be alone at imaging and silly for me to just wait in her room like a putz. What followed reminded me of a scene from The Graduate where Dustin Hoffman is running like a maniac to find the girl (Katherine Ross) before it’s too late and she marries someone else. I started running down hallways on different floors till I reached reception. I was told Cedars-Sinai imaging was indeed across the street. I ran outside, crossed the street, almost got run over, and ran down a block into a medical building that had a crowded lobby. It was well guarded, with security guys by every door. I knew they would never let me inside and I didn’t bother asking or pleading with the front desk. I was so committed that when opportunity soon struck and a guard got distracted long enough for me to slip by, I James Bonded through the double doors that read NO ENTRY.
I started opening doors, peeking into rooms like a mad person. I reached doors with signs that read WARNING – RADIATION, and I was now terrified of opening a door at just the wrong moment when some giant X-ray beam would zap me and my testicles would fall off. But I was a man on a mission and could not be stopped as I moved from hallway to hallway. I was sure I was seconds away from being stopped by a security guard who would find me through the surveillance cameras, which were everywhere. He’d run in and just shoot me—shoot the crazy intruder!
Finally, kismet struck. I opened a door and saw rows of gurneys in a waiting room, but all I could see were their bottom halves because curtains separated each patient, leaving just the sight of a series of bare feet sticking out of robes. And then I saw them, like beacons flashing: one pair of feet wearing bright red socks, the same socks I had washed at home the previous day and had brought back to Jacqui. And sure enough, just like in the movies, I raced in and followed the red socks, and found my baby. I had found the needle in a radiated haystack! Her face lit up and she gave me her million-dollar smile. She told me she was done with her X-ray, but they were backed up with patients waiting to be returned to their rooms. She whispered, “Get me out of here!”
I raced to find the orderly and begged him to move her. I haltingly told him I almost got my balls zapped off looking for her in this Frankensteinish radiation building. He laughed, grabbed her chart, pulled her gurney out of a waiting line (sorry, folks), and we headed back to her room.
I had found the red socks. I was Dustin Hoffman. I got my girl back!
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Genre – Celebrity / Memoir / Romance
Rating – PG